How I Found The Lord in the Everyday

Day Two: Rock Bottom. Again.

I was 42 years old and it took two hands to count the number of times I’d been at rock bottom in my life. That may not seem like many times to some, but for me (neither an alcoholic nor drug user), I did not understand HOW I kept hitting rock bottom. I was doing what I was “supposed to do”: I held down a job; I did the obligatory family things; I stayed on top of all the lives of people who depended on me; I went to church; and I tried to be a good person. HOW did I KEEP getting things so wrong? I wasn’t a “loser”, at least no one had labeled me that within my earshot. So WHY did I keep feeling like I was “failing at my life” when it appeared things were going so right in the everyday as I was checking all the boxes?

Well, that wasn’t a question I was going to figure out the answer to that day. I could barely figure out what to do beyond stepping out of bed that morning.

Author Insert****I later learned that one of my deepest trauma triggers is to not know what to do in a situation. It brings about a life-or-death panic into freezing and in this particular situation (finding the help I needed to save my life), I had no idea what to do and the trauma trigger symptoms were affecting me in real time this particular morning.****

I began to cry because I literally didn’t know what to do once I stood up out of bed - and that didn’t feel right - and neither did crying. I should know what to do when I get up in the morning. But then it began to feel scary — was I getting Alzheimer’s due to the inordinate amount of stress I’ve been under & dealt with my whole life?! Then it began to feel like panic — and “why don’t I know what to do?” Then it began to feel like death.

Think: the physical feeling of dread and complete “dropping” in the base of your spine, feeling.

I began to feel sick but then couldn’t move to go to the bathroom because, in that moment my brain froze and I wasn’t able to figure out something as simple as “walk five steps straight ahead, into the bathroom”.

Some of you will know what I’m talking about. If you do, I’m sorry you ever had to live through an experience like this — no one deserves to live like this.

If you do not fully understand, I pray you never do: This is a feeling like no other. A deeply primal one where you are frozen in your brain and body because you are so physically scared you are about to literally die in the next moments (but nothing in front of or around you is truly posing a death threat). It is a horrific experience.

Echoes of the Past

All of a sudden, an image (a memory) burst into my head.

I was looking down at my mom's kitchen table. She was in her chair, in her shorts (like she always was), a cigarette burning in the ashtray, the largest gas-station-sized thermos of coffee sitting opposite the ashtray, and in the center of it all was her open Bible.

Suddenly, another memory: my Granny Monnie. God, I loved her. She was the only person with whom I’d ever felt safe to be myself as a child.

As I got older, the world weighed on me and I didn’t understand that I could’ve gone to her the way I could have, and then she died. I deeply understand now when people say they long to see their loved ones again. My heart hurts most days for the relationship the world robbed me of with her.

But, on this day, the memory of her one morning as I got up and walked down the hall: Granny was at her kitchen table reading the Bible.

It was way earlier than I normally got up and I had never seen her start her day with God (because she got up WAY early!), but this day has always stuck with me.

She was reading her Bible and looked very serious, then saw me and her face lit up, like it always did, and she closed the Bible and began her work of pouring into me while I was visiting her.

I cherish this memory for so many reasons.

The Next Baby Steps

Then suddenly, a little nudge brought me back to the present, frozen-in-fear moment.

A little voice inside my head whispered:

“You know what to do.”

And suddenly I could see that the 5 steps to the bathroom were my next steps.

Once in the bathroom, confusion and all the other feelings flooded in once again. It felt like 5 minutes of just standing there, frozen in panic and fear, not knowing what to do or which move to make — and once again, the memories: mom, granny; and then the nudge ‘you know what to do’.

And then, once again, I could see my next task:

pick up your toothbrush.

The next baby steps to make it through my day were being revealed to me one by one by God Himself, because I was beyond my own capacity at that point.

But God met me where I was. And saved me. (again)

Several years before this, my sister had given me a Jesus Calling book. It had been sitting on the bottom shelf of my nightstand since I got it.

So that morning, I finally knew what to do:

I COMMITTED to spending 5 minutes with God first thing each morning so He could show me my way for the day as I struggled to climb my way up from the rock bottom once again.

5 minutes, and a Jesus Calling book - that was my commitment and I took it more seriously than anything ever before - because THIS TIME, rock bottom almost cost me my life. And I wasn't ready to give up yet.

I’ve always heard Christians say “find what to be thankful for in all situations”. I didn’t know how to do that and I was so overcome by my own intense feelings that I usually got lost in those, rather than finishing the thought about what to be thankful for in the current situation.

Seeking God first thing in the morning completely changed my entire mindset and outlook on life. (On everything, really.)

And the Jesus Calling book was excellent for me because I needed to hear the loving tones of a loving God at that moment — not more shame, guilt, and ridicule of who and how I “should be”.

I’ve lived with my critical inner voice my whole life, repeating things to myself that others said about me. At that point, I knew how I “SHOULD” be; At that point though, I needed to learn something different.

I did need to learn to be thankful; but even more than that, I needed to learn emotional regulation through the Love of Jesus Christ.

His love looked nothing like what I knew as love.

I could not be thankful and loving and give in to super-crazy-over-the-top-emotional-angry-rage-fear-based-spirals at the same time. As some of us know, once that level of emotion takes over, it’s easy to get lost in it. It feels good; way better than not reacting while sifting through difficult circumstances trying to find the good. Outbursts feel powerful - especially if you’ve felt stifled throughout your life. It feels good in our flesh to complain, gossip, and bad-mouth someone to our friends and them feed back into it.

Of course it feels good — MOST SIN FEELS GOOD.

But not in the right way. And if you’re feeling convicted after an interaction with someone, it may be time to self-reflect and see if you’re sinning by not regulating.

However, if you are feeling completely confused and thinking “I can’t believe that’s how I reacted and I don't know what came over me” after an interaction, it could be time to visit with a counselor. Strong possibility of deeper issues happening there.

(I experienced this when overcome with trauma triggers throughout my life, but, after the fact, once being held accountable for my actions forced me to reflect, I could always tell a distinct difference between trauma responses and the interactions where I CHOSE the (sin) rage, anger, spite, etc.).

Learning to Regulate

In all this, I learned that emotional regulation is a skill that can absolutely and must be learned by us and taught to our children.

And I don’t mean the “emotional regulation” where you stuff it all down and hold everything in and just don’t SHOW any emotion.

I mean TRUE regulation where you reconcile with yourself and your Creator every single emotion, every single day.

True Regulation Where we learn that we will have strong emotions — and that’s ok; we cannot help that — but we can help what we DO with those emotions.

We must immediately grab them and open a conversation with God about what we are feeling, in real time (rather than telling our friends or the entire world on social media), and He will help us navigate the next baby steps in the best manner.

Why?

Because He is God.

He loves you enough to meet you where you are and walk with you, clearing the path ahead of you by showing you how to navigate it.

This is what they mean by ‘talk to God’ or ‘turn to God or ‘lean on God’ — you simply open the conversation with Him instead of other people around you.

Once I realized emotional regulation was a skill, I thought, “I’m smart — I can learn new skills!” And suddenly, the person I knew I wanted to be was achievable rather than “this is just how I am”.

It relieved some of the guilt, shame, and pressure I put on myself for being a “bad person” because I then knew I was learning (baby steps) a new way of being.

It didn’t mean I no longer had any of those feelings; now I just do something differently with them.

Once I began paying attention to in-the-moment regulation, it became easier to figure out what to be thankful for (it’s hard to find what to be thankful for when all you feel is bad):

Parking Spots

Close parking spots are how I learned to be thankful for everyday things in life.

While I was learning to overcome my mental health, my physical health was also posing some serious issues.

My job at that time involved quickly going to a lot of different places throughout the city, and “'close-to-wherever-I-was-going' parking spots” became my saving grace to be able to keep working in the physical condition I was in at the time.

I would feel such relief and also remember to intentionally praise God when I saw a close spot!

Being intentional is important. You can interchange intentional and obedient.

So, why does God want us to be thankful in all circumstances?

I believe one reason is because when you find what to be thankful for, you can usually also recognize the lesson you’re to be learning, and then you’ll be able to refer back to it for “why” when future lessons get tough.

And how do we find thankfulness every day?

To this day, I still thank The Lord for “close parking spots”, but I also added to that list an infinite amount of other things, big and small.

Never forget where you came from; but always move forward, better.

LM

No Medical Advice was given in any context. This is a testimonial of the authors experiences only.

Blog 4 Complete. Take me to the next blog.

Follow us on Facebook | Follow us on Instagram | Visit our Website