THE Wake-Up Call

The Perfect Storm Comes Together.

***Self-Harm Trigger Warning***

There is no shame in healing.

Some people are embarrassed to talk to counselors about the things they’ve done but all you’re doing is figuring out why you did those things so you can course correct appropriately, and successfully.

A lot of us who have been through recovery have “the day”. It’s the day we realize we are at the very rock bottom of all our rock bottoms and if we don’t get the exact help we need, we are going to die.

I’d previously had scary and intrusive thoughts and even gone as far as self-harm before. I had been at rock bottom before - more than once, in fact, but I had never experienced “the day”.

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I woke up like a zombie that morning. I was consumed by 40 years of absorbing every single bad thing I ever heard about myself or experienced and was now seeing it was all my fault and now I was trapped with those thoughts and the results of all of those thoughts swirling in my head and simmering in my body.

By this point, the 5 pharmaceuticals I was on were doing absolutely nothing beyond making me dizzy. Meds weren’t even suppressing the symptoms anymore. I could not stop the intrusive thoughts; I could not stop the physical pain my central nervous system was experiencing; and I could not stop FEELING how badly I was feeling - about myself and everything else going on at that time.

I did not have knowledge of and could not see the tools and resources I needed, so the hopelessness I felt about ever healing and being able to live like a “normal person” was too much for me alone to handle on this day.

And that was it.

That was the day my hopelessness overcame me.

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"They say God will not give you more than you can handle. I disagree with this. I believe He does give us more than we can handle so that we can see that we need Him." - Leslie Martin, Founder of How She Lives; Author of How She Heals

After the event, The Lord showed me the reality of my situation: If I didn’t address what was tormenting my soul, I was going to die.

And based on the life choices I was living at the time, it did not feel like it would be a “good” after-death.

For the first time, I was truly desperate for Him instead of things of this world I thought and hoped could save me.

I finally surrendered.

Surrendering

I asked the Lord for help. I was ashamed and embarrassed and desperately sobbing, but still muttered the small prayer of:

“God, I don’t know what I need. I don’t even know how to start to look for it or where to find it or how to figure out what it is. I need you to show me.”

And God immediately met me where I was; He began clearing my path and putting me in conversations and rooms where I was slowly gaining more info and knowledge on what would be the tools that worked for me. I began to take all of those feelings and fight for myself, for the first time.

Once I began learning about and using the tools I needed, I was able to begin identifying my actions and tie them to a cause.

Being able to name and know the patterns and identify reactions allowed me to come out of my emotions or fear and logically walk through what was happening inside of me. In this way, I was very intentional with my counseling, and I believe that helped me very much in healing because I didn’t go into my sessions wallowing in the circumstances that were happening; I went in with the mindset of:

“I see what’s happening or this is happening, why is it happening and how do we make that reaction not happen”.

I highly recommend being intentional with counseling and not just using it as a venting session.

Don’t get me wrong - it was/is not easy.

Every single second of every single day I had to force (re-train) my thoughts, my central nervous system, and my actions to do the exact opposite of what they had perfected doing over the last 40 years.

It was excruciating.

I believe this is why they say ‘the cleansing of God feels like a fire’ (or whatever it is they say). It felt like fire for a very long time, but then one day, it started to get easier; It became more familiar to reach for the new tools instead of the old ones.

I didn’t have everything figured out but I was no longer living by reactions to trauma triggers - which was a huge win.

My True Healing Began With A Choice

My true healing began with making a choice every single day:

The choice to Reconcile to Christ every morning: to lay down myself and actively pick up the teachings of Jesus Christ.

Once you make that decision, He will show you the rest.

LM

No Medical Advice was given in any context. This is a testimonial of the authors experiences only.

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